The Morning Sh*t – Your Daily TL;DR Summary of Jalopnik for 3/23/2018

"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
03/23/2018 at 11:49 • Filed to: Taketheoutsideline, Satire

Welcome to The Morning Sh*t! Please welcome special guest, Rush lead singer !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , who has decided to freestyle rap today’s news for some reason.

1 st Wipe : Datsun! No that’s not a dot, son – it’s the rising sun, bringing fun to the masses, to the classes, yo my man Carlos really bustin’ some asses, electrifying times, rectifying rhymes, with 22 cars of the EV kind, going balls-deep, in electrics they delve — done in four years? More like 2112.

2 nd Wipe : Fuel me once, shame on you; fuel me twice, shame on me. Into high school halls, into shopping malls, claiming EVs have no future at all. Hydrogen cells gonna sell really well? Batteries gone like a baby down a well?

3 rd Wipe : Exit to Florida today’s Tom Sawyer, they got high on glue, the decisions they make, gonna get them sued, for pedestrians’ sake. Keep on testin’ the cars, they’re driving themselves, turn the dumb to eleven? Gonna turn it to twelve. Tricking his friends into doin’ his chores, Sawyer gets what’s comin’ cuz his friends ain’t no whores.

4 th Wipe : Tariff discussions, telling Trump it won’t work, everybody agrees, on our knees, beggin please, explaining that we’ll all be feelin’ the hurt, but we’ll keep beatin’ that drum like our name’s Neil Peart.

5 th Wipe : Used cars in the limelight, a universal dream? So it would seem, but new cars feel the pain, feel the drain, off-lease deals back again — so put aside lease terminations, buy a car brand from the Asians, be of the long-term persuasion. Word.

Splashback : You may drive past 55, like Hagar’s gravelly voice. If you want a rocket car, you build it, that’s your choice. 400 or 500, sound barrier or above? Giant balls, he’s done it all — Happy birthday, Craig Breedlove!